Yesterday I smiled as I received a phone call from my oldest son who has been at college now for 5 days. “Mom, you know how people get that nervous feeling sometimes? Well, I got it for the first time today!”
The first time my son experienced the nervous butterfly feeling? How can that be? This caused me to reflect on what is was that bred this kind of confidence.
After much contemplation I realized yet again that by encouraging and facilitating our kids to do hard things it makes a difference in their lives. The secret? Yep. Have your kids do hard things. I have always been passionate about this in my own life and now in the life of my children. Why? What is it about doing something hard?
When we accomplish, or our children accomplish something hard, it comes with a knowledge that they did it. They had the courage, they had the strength, they did the work, they overcame uncertainty. No one did it for them. It breeds a self confidence that can’t be taken away by anyone else. It can’t be taken away by the bully at school, by you or by friends. They have felt the sense of accomplishment that comes from being successful. They know what it feels like to doubt they can do something just to see that doubt shattered when they accomplish the task.
When my youngest was 3 years old we decided to hike a cirque. The cirque consisted of 4 peaks. The first peak was full of large boulders and my husband and I had to help him over many of the boulders as he was so small. Halfway up the peak he started to cry. It was hard for him, he was tired and he wanted to turn around. His little legs were being used to their capacity. Much to his disappointment we insisted he continue as it was safer than going down. As we finally approached the top, he ran to his daddy and with big elephant tears streaming down his face he exclaimed, with a big smile, “Daddy, I did it! I did it!” He was consumed with happiness, joy and feelings of accomplishment at a young age.
Now the question is, what does “hard things” consist of? I believe that is for families to decide. For our family it often involves a physical challenge like a recent 100 mile backpacking trip we took our kids on. Hard things can be overcoming a fear, achieving a family goal, or attaining education. Maybe it is keeping the house clean, putting your family first or saving and getting out of debt. Or maybe it is planning and going on a family adventure.
I have found that doing hard things requires a sacrifice of some kind. Time, money, appetites and habits for something greater.
As I look back on my kids lives they have done many hard things. Hiking the Schilthorn, travelling together for 3 months at a time (imagine the fighting as we were all in the same room), standing in front of large groups to speak, standing up for others, standing up for their beliefs, paragliding, rappelling 100 and 200 foot cliffs and overcoming a fear of heights, dealing with teachers on their own, the list goes on and on.
I have witnessed parents who don’t want their child to be uncomfortable in any situation. I have witnessed it being okay if their child does not follow the guidelines or rules because they might be uncomfortable. I have witnessed parents enabling their children to not participate in events meant to strengthen and build because the child doesn’t want to.
The take away for me after receiving that phone call from my son is that as parents we have the opportunity to instill in them a confidence that the world can not take away or we can choose to always make them comfortable. I know which one I choose.
I would love to hear from you in the comments on the biggest factor you feel helps kids gain confidence.
I think a big factor is example. Last winter my son learned to snow ski. He absolutely loved it. He would be so upset when it was time to leave. So I figured he would love water skiing as well, but for some reason he got scared and wouldn’t try. He was in tears. So I pulled him out of the water and went skiing myself. The next day when he tried again he was a bit more positive and was willing to try, until he got in the water and the tears came back. I gave him the best pep talk I could come up with. As the boat pulled away I yelled instructions to him, told him he could do it, and told him to hold on. And just as I knew he popped up out of the water and did great. Now when you ask him about the experience he doesn’t remember the tears, all he remembers is how he did it and how great it was.
Such a good point. Kids learn a lot from the adults in their lives. Being an example for them does help them with confidence I think. Thanks for the reply.